I've hesitated in writing this post for a few reasons. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say or how to say it and it is personal and painful subject matter. I decided to write it down to remind myself on the harder days and maybe even to remind someone else that they aren't alone.
Travis and I found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child the first of September. We were thrilled (of course) and kept the excitement to ourselves. Things progressed without any complications and I experienced plenty of the not fun pregnancy symptoms. In October I started having light bleeding (the same time I did with Kassidy) and so we got in to the doctor for the first check up and ultrasound. Everything was great. The heartbeat was 170 and I got to watch the baby dancing around for a minute. I was so excited to hold that baby 6-7 months later.
The bleeding never stopped and it actually got so bad I went to the ER on Sunday morning a week later. The ER was backed up and I sat there for 5 hours never being seen. I was bleeding and anxious but not high on the priority chart. I went home and called my doctor's exchange line (Something Marissa told me existed. I've never known and would have called that first). He set me up with an ultrasound at the hospital the next day.
The ultrasound was nerve wracking. I was so scared about what the ultrasound tech would say. As soon as she saw the heartbeat she let me watch my baby moving around for a few minutes. My baby was ok and I was a blubbering mess. She said that there was a significant bleed that she would have to talk to my doctor about but it shouldn't be anything for me to lose sleep over.
My doctor called me and told me about the bleed and that it was one of the larger ones he's seen but since I was almost 3 months along, it should be ok. He prescribed progesterone for me to stabilize the uterus lining and hopefully stop the bleeding but due to his office/pharmacy/insurance issues I didn't get that medicine until a week later.
The same day he prescribed the medicine I received a Priesthood blessing from the Bishop. I was told that Heavenly Father knows of my desire to hold my baby and have a healthy pregnancy. He told me to be patient with the doctors, patient with Travis, patient with myself and patient with the Lord. He then promised that all would be well. I immediately knew what the outcome would be but kept it to myself in hopes that the pregnancy wouldn't end up that way (miscarriage).
My mom flew out a couple days later because Travis was originally scheduled for an ICD implant for his heart and she was going to help me. Travis' surgery got rescheduled by his surgeon the day before so he didn't have it that weekend after all. We enjoyed Mom's company and then Sunday I started cramping really bad. I passed what looked to be thin tissue and prayed it wasn't.
All day Monday, the 2nd of November, I had bad cramping and was in a lot of pain. That evening I had to go to the bathroom and I knew right away what happened but I couldn't look because that made it final. I called for Travis to come help me and was so grateful that my mom was there to stay down with the kids. Travis scooped the baby out of the toilet and we cried together. It was horrible and painful. Our little baby had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little body.
All day Monday, the 2nd of November, I had bad cramping and was in a lot of pain. That evening I had to go to the bathroom and I knew right away what happened but I couldn't look because that made it final. I called for Travis to come help me and was so grateful that my mom was there to stay down with the kids. Travis scooped the baby out of the toilet and we cried together. It was horrible and painful. Our little baby had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little body.
The doctor said it looked like the placenta attached at a vein in my uterus and it never healed back up. My continued bleeding threatened the pregnancy. He was surprised it happened because I had made it to 3 months and the baby was healthy.
Travis and I went the next day to bury the baby while my mom stayed with the kids. Mom crocheted a tiny blanket and Travis and I wrote letters and we were able to get some sweet closure.
I loved and anticipated our baby the whole time I was pregnant. I will always love my tiny baby.
I ache for my baby.
I ache for my baby.
I had no clue what to expect after a miscarriage. I didn't know it would be so physically painful or exhausting. No one talks about it (I understand why) and it took me by surprise.
I got mad that I had a miscarriage but it couldn't last because I knew when I received the blessing what would happen but that no matter what, all is well. I'm grateful for that blessing of reassurance. I'm grateful for the blessing of having my mom here to help me. I know Heavenly Father knew I needed her support and presence. There's no one like a mom to make everything ok.
I've also learned that there are many, many couples who have had a miscarriage or even several miscarriages. It made me look at those women in a new light and has taught me to be more compassionate with those around me. We don't know what struggles they are enduring. While I pray never have another miscarriage, I am so grateful for the lesson of compassion, hope and love that my little baby taught me. I know all will be made right one day. All is well.
